gasping at glimpses of gentle true spirit

It takes her longer than she would like to admit before she calms down, finally feeling like she’s cried out all her tears.

Lucille’s voice always had a calming effect on her and it works wonders, even now. Valerie can’t hear what she says, but that doesn’t matter. Lucille doesn't seem to care, just hold her tighter, whispers soft words into her ear. With her face buried in Lucille’s neck, she sobs, desperately trying to stay quiet but failing miserably.

Her hands grip the back of Lucille’s coat so tight she’s afraid she might tear it. Hot tears roll down her cheeks and she can’t stop them. She doesn’t even realise she did until Lucille steps forwards and pulls Valerie against her chest. Lucille is quiet for a moment, and Valerie bows her head, too tired to keep herself upright. Valerie struggles to reply, only managing a hoarse whisper, “I don’t know, Lu. But tell me how I can help? What do you need?” “I don’t know what happened, and you don’t need to tell me. Valerie drags her eyes up until she finds Lucille’s worried brown ones. Lucille’s feet appear in her field of vision, and they stop in front of her. She just needs to keep breathing, then she’ll be fine. Lucille’s voice pierces through her muddled brain, but she can’t seem to open her mouth to reply. Once, twice, until the world around her stops spinning. It makes the noise inside her head increase tenfold. It’s deafening, so she presses her hands to the sides of her head, in an attempt to block it out. The muted sounds of the party going on inside reach her ears. Her knees feel like they can give out any minute. Her back hits a wall and she slumps against it. She left her package of cigarettes in the pocket.

The door leading out onto the streets is only a few feet away, yet it feels like hours before she finally feels the cold air hit her bare arms. She turns away, almost running towards the exit. Lucille doesn’t, keeps her eyes locked on Valerie’s. A few people turn to look at the commotion, she sends them a murderous look, hoping it will be enough to make them mind their own business. She gets up abruptly, the chair she sat on scraping over the floor. “Just-” She bites her lip, fighting the tears back down, “I’m going out for a smoke.” It feels like someone’s got their hand wrapped around her throat, air doesn’t seem to reach her lungs. Lucile’s worried gaze, Sister Julienne’s piercing eyes. She can’t find the right words, it’s a big mess in her brain. Valerie doesn’t know what to do, what to say to make Lucille stop looking at her like that. Lucille is still in front of her, is still looking at her with concern clearly written all over her face. She tries her best to find solace in that. Sister Julienne will have their back, Valerie is sure about that. Before they allow the outside world to form an opinion. She’s aware something happened the night Trixie and her left suddenly and came back hours later looking worse for wear. She feels Sister Julienne’s eyes burn into her from her left, watching them in silence while she bounces her knees to keep Angela entertained. “I’m fine! Just drop it!” It comes out harsher than she meant it to, and she immediately regrets it. “What can I do?” Lucille’s voice is so gentle it almost shatters her to pieces. “Me? Yeah, I’m fine.” Her voice is shaky and she has to blink back tears. It’s how Valerie works, and Lucille respects that. She gets her, that’s why they work so well together. She will wait and let Valerie come to her when she’s ready. “Are you alright?” Lucille asks, brow furrowed. It’s still a party after all, even if she can’t find it in herself to enjoy it. Valerie doesn’t want to ruin her evening. Lucille looks happy, at ease in the mass of people. She knows she’ll have to, preferably before everything goes to hell tomorrow. Valerie hasn’t told her, hasn’t had the heart to yet. Lucille moves into her line of vision, a worried look on her face. But right now it’s taking all her energy not to cry. On any other day, she would be right alongside them, laughing, enjoying the party. People she’s known for years, girls she grew up with are all laughing and having fun. Every single look thrown her way accompanied feels fuelled by disapproval. They have no idea, and yet she feels like everyone is talking about her. No one here could possibly know what she knows, at least not until the truth comes out tomorrow.

Gasping at glimpses of gentle true spirit